The Dynamic Introvert

The Dynamic Introvert

Introverts, are you lonely at work?

By Lesley TaylorPosted on Posted in IntrovertsTagged , , , ,

Introverts, are you lonely? More specifically, are you lonely at work? That question was asked as part of a 2018 Global Work Connectivity Study conducted by Morar Consulting and Future Workplace. The findings may surprise you. “Workers spend almost 50% of each day on digital vs in-person communication and more than half feel lonely as a result. And perhaps the most surprising finding of all was that introverts (63%) feel lonely more often than extroverts (37%). As an introvert myself I rarely ever feel lonely. I enjoy reading, writing, reflecting, walking, cooking, yoga all things that I can do on my own. Not that I don’t like to socialize but my socializing tends to be in small doses. So why so many lonely introverts in the workplace? The study didn’t go into a lot of detail so I will share some of my thoughts about this intriguing puzzle. Could it be that introverts don’t have a best friend to confide in? As far back as 1999, The Gallop Organization, was asking employees the question “Do you have a best friend at work?”. And according to writer Annamarie Mann this is the most controversial question that Gallop asked in 30 years of employee engagement research. This question remains controversial because many managers don’t believe that socializing with friends is a priority in the workplace. Mann goes on to say that we spend most of our waking hours at work and it’s only natural that we  want to feel connected to the people we work with. In the absence of having work friends we feel lonely and isolated. Just because we prefer our own company doesn’t mean we don’t want to be included in social activities with colleagues at work. Some of us remember all too clearly what it felt like when we were picked last for team activities in gym class at school. For me it was devastating! Introverts are often misunderstood because of the way we communicate. We often hesitate to answer questions, sit quietly in meetings or group situations and let others carry the conversation. Or we don’t show up at all, preferring to hide out in our offices while the more social extroverts are working together. Or, maybe, we are highly sensitive. 70% of introverts are highly sensitive according to psychologist and author Elaine Aron. Aron wrote The Highly Sensitive Person to educate us about the challenges that HSP face. Another psychologist, Marti Olsen Laney, was one of the first people to write about introverts and introversion. Back in 2002 she wrote the bestseller The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in and Extroverted World. In her book Laney has this to say about why introverts seem to be antisocial: “It’s easy to see why introverts can appear self-absorbed or uninterested, because we shut down external stimulation when we have had enough. Why? We need to compare external experiences to our own internal experience, attempting to understand new information against our old information…extroverts are also focused on the self, but in a different way. Extroverts like socializing and require the company of others.” Besides introversion and extroversion there may be other aspects of our personalities that influence how we feel at work. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or MBTI measures four areas of our personalities: Introvert/Extrovert: How or where we get our energy. Sensing/Intuition: How we take in information. Thinking/Feeling: How we make decisions/come to conclusions after we have taken in the information. Judgement/Perception: How we approach the world in general. Introverts who score high on F for feeling have a stronger need to socialize with people than introverts who score higher on the thinking preference. Let’s return to the study that I started with at the beginning of this post. As with a lot of studies this one leaves me with more questions than answers. Best not to take the findings at face value. Instead dig a little deeper into why introverts are lonely in the workplace and find ways to help them feel more connected! What do you think?  

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Is Your Voice Being Heard? 5 Tips for Quiet Introverted Leaders

By Lesley TaylorPosted on Posted in IntrovertsTagged , , , , , , ,

Introverts are often described as being quiet and shy so it should come as no surprise to readers of my blog that introverts also struggle to express themselves in meetings and other large group settings. To make things worse many of us are also prone to ungraciously blurting out what we want to say. I believe that introverts are more likely to interrupt the flow of a conversation by blurting out their thoughts than extroverts are. And we do this because after we have spent some time thinking quietly about what is being said we want to share our ideas and  because we haven’t learned how to interrupt gracefully (see below) we just blurt out what we want to say. So what’s an introvert to do especially one who wants to share her ideas and/or develop as a leader and get recognized for her contribution? One approach that may sound counter intuitive is learn to interrupt! That’s right! But many of us grew up believing that interrupting other people is rude. In the March, 2018 issue of Toastmasters magazine author Karen Friedman has some tips for those of us who would like to develop our interruption skills, starting with a quote from Madeleine Albright: “If you are going to interrupt, you have to know what you’re talking about. And you have to do it in a strong voice.” Fortunately Friedman’s article has some suggestions for how to do this. Here are 5 notable ways to interrupt politely: Start by saying, “please excuse me” before you interrupt Highlight what the last person said and then say “What do you think if we also do this or that?” Look for opportunities to ask a question or to clarify what someone else has said Put up your hand to signal that you have something to say Be prepared No. 5 is especially true at work. If you are going to a meeting or work related group try and find out as much as you can about what the main topic is going to be. This will allow you to think about what you want to say and strategize  when you could interrupt most effectively. Good meeting facilitators will provide you with an agenda beforehand and if they don’t it is up to you to ask for one. Of course it’s not always possible to “be prepared” for everything that might come up during your meetings and that is why Toastmasters is such an amazing resource for introverts. Every TM meeting involves opportunities for members to answer questions and speak extemporaneously. In other words we get to practice speaking without any advance preparation. This part of the TM program is called Table Topics. The person in charge of Table Topics will introduce a theme and ask questions related to that theme. This is probably one of the most challenging aspects of learning how to speak in public. Fortunately it does become easier and it’s usually a lot of fun.  

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Want a Stronger Voice? Use Dialogue!

By Lesley TaylorPosted on Posted in IntrovertsTagged , , , , , , ,

  Through-out most of my career I struggled to speak up and find my voice at work. Not only was this frustrating but it also meant that I had to work harder to get my ideas across. Joining Toastmasters has helped but there might have been some things that I could have done differently. There are techniques that encourage everyone’s voice to be heard. One technique that has been used successfully in many organizations is dialogue. When I first read about using dialogue back in the 1990’s the idea really resonated with me.  In hindsight I think this was because, as an introvert, I struggled to get my voice heard above the cacophony of noise in most of the meetings that I attended. Introverts often struggle to be heard in meetings. Given our personality differences it should come as no surprise that introverts and extroverts communicate differently. Extroverts tend to talk more often, more quickly and more confidently while introverts listen more than they speak and may appear tentative and less confident. Dialogue is an often overlooked facilitation tool that enhances learning and makes it possible for everyone to share their ideas and experiences. Dialogue is easy to learn but it takes a bit of practice to be able to use it effectively. What is dialogue? According to the Cambridge online dictionary dialogue is a “conversation that is written for a book, play, or film”. I’m using a somewhat different definition of dialogue in today’s blog post. Dialogue in this sense is a type of group communication that encourages participants to slow down, be in the moment and really listen to what everyone is saying. It is often used in situations where there is conflict or as William Isaacs, author of Dialogue and the Art of Thinking Together, describes it, “dialogue is more than just the exchange of words, but rather the embrace of different points of view—literally the art of thinking together”. Here is a list of ground rules that are typically used in a dialogue session: Listen and speak without judgement Acknowledge each speaker Respect differences Suspend your role and status Avoid cross-talk Focus on learning Check your assumptions Want to change your meetings so you can “get a word in edgewise”? Introduce the use of dialogue and offer to organize the first session. If your company or group already uses dialogue on a regular basis congratulations. I would love to hear about your experience. Here are two books that I’ve found useful: 1. On Dialogue by David Bohm published in 1996 and 2. Perspectives on Dialogue: Making Talk Developmental for Individuals and Organizations by Nancy M. Dixon also published in 1996. And if you are an introvert you probably have an advantage when it comes to using dialogue because you are wired to slow down and listen before you speak. What do you think? [contact-form][contact-field label=”Name” type=”name” required=”true” /][contact-field label=”Email” type=”email” required=”true” /][contact-field label=”Website” type=”url” /][contact-field label=”Message” type=”textarea” /][/contact-form]    

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Dynamic Inactivity – Think Before You Act!

By Lesley TaylorPosted on Posted in IntrovertsTagged , , , , ,

I love reading mystery books. One of my favorite new authors is G.M. Malliet and it was while reading one of her Max Tudor mysteries that I came across the term dynamic inactivity.  Father Max retired MI5 agent turned Anglican minister used the term to describe his state of mind while sifting through the clues in a murder that he was investigating. Of course the words dynamic inactivity resonated with me as it seems to be a perfect description of what introverts do on a regular basis.  We pause and we think. Unfortunately, despite the fact that we are dynamically engaged in what we are thinking about our pauses are usually misconstrued as inactivity. But what exactly is dynamic inactivity and where did this term originate? In 1972 psychologist and NYPD detective Harvey Schlossberg began using what was later to become known as dynamic inactivity to describe a more peaceful approach to resolving hostage situations. Up until that time hostage situations were hostile, chaotic and unpredictable, more often than not resulting in people being injured or killed. Harvey Schlossberg recognized the need for an approach that was based more on psychology than brute force and found that he was able to engage the suspect or suspects by actively listening to their concerns and engaging them in the hostage process. Now-a-days hostage negotiators are expected to have the following skills: patience, active listening, respect for others, calmness, self-awareness and adaptability. So apart from this interesting bit of history what can introverts’ learn from all of this? It validates something that we naturally do. Think before we act! Giving us another way to explain our behavior if questioned by a colleague who doesn’t understand how the introvert’s mind works. Another reason to embrace dynamic inactivity is that it can help us to prevent burnout. In a blog post leadership coach Daniela Bryan writes that “Decision making drains our energy and if we don’t protect ourselves we may end up with decision fatigue.” These days many of us are struggling to manage our energy and Bryan recommends that her readers “think before they act”. If you’d like to read more on the subject of personal energy I devot an entire chapter to energy management in my book The Dynamic Introvert: Leading Quietly with Passion and Purpose including a section on how to avoid burnout. Cheers! The Dynamic Introvert [contact-form][contact-field label=”Name” type=”name” required=”true” /][contact-field label=”Email” type=”email” required=”true” /][contact-field label=”Website” type=”url” /][contact-field label=”Message” type=”textarea” /][/contact-form]      

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Step Up And Lead With Passion and Purpose – Lessons from the Streets of Vancouver

By Lesley TaylorPosted on Posted in Introverts, LeadershipTagged , , , , , , ,

Step Up and Lead with Passion and Purpose – Lessons from the Streets of Vancouver   In my last post I focused on confidence and I have to agree with Dr. Roet that our confidence increases the more we challenge ourselves and we succeed. Today I want to share a story about a woman whose organization is all about helping people build confidence by challenging themselves and succeeding each and every day they go to work. There are many successful introverts who prefer to stay out of the limelight but for most of us challenging ourselves even a little bit can help us learn new things and increase our confidence so we can become outstanding leaders. Here’s an example, I recently read about the experience of Jessica Hannon, executive director of Megaphone Magazine, and self-described introvert. For those of you not familiar with Megaphone it is part of a world-wide street paper network that is helping homeless and marginalized people to change their lives. In fact, there are currently 9000 vendors in 34 countries around the globe. In the February, 2018 issue of Megaphone Jessica shared her story with the magazine’s readers: When I was first hired at Megaphone five years ago, I gave selling magazines on the street a try. Honestly, it was terrifying. I’m an introvert as it is, and there’s a real sense of vulnerability when you’re out there on the street. But then, soon enough, it wasn’t so bad. That experience reminds me how much I admire our vendors, who push through the discomfort to put themselves out there. And the first time I did it, it was really intimidating, just like the first few times I had to speak in front of a crowd. I used to be very afraid of public speaking, of approaching people in public, and of making requests of people – for fundraising, for instance. I still feel it sometimes, but it has lost most of its power over me just through repetition. It was scary the first time I spoke in front of a room of people, but I did it because I cared about what I was doing very much, and each time I did it after that, it got a little more familiar and a little less scary. Many years ago I was introduced to Megaphone by Bob, one of the vendors in Vancouver, and ever since then I have been impressed by how the Megaphone organization has grown and developed. So when I read Jessica’s story in February I wanted to learn more about how this fearless introvert had found the courage to leave her comfort zone and step into a situation that felt strange and uncomfortable. I think what made it possible for me to step out of my comfort zone in that moment was: My love for Megaphone was greater than my fear of discomfort. Because it is an organization and a cause I care very deeply about, and it was important for me to understand the vendor experience, I gritted my teeth and moved through the discomfort. Being passionate about what you are doing goes a long way to making it possible for you to push yourself out of your comfort zone. Here are a few additional ideas to help you succeed: Get comfortable with challenging yourself. Push yourself a little bit at a time. Stop and reflect on what you are learning through your experiences. Learn to deal with low levels of anxiety and stress Build in some down time to recharge your energy levels. And please check out what Jessica and her team are doing and find ways to support the work of this amazing organization.  Lesley            

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Are Introverts Less Confident Than Extroverts?

By Lesley TaylorPosted on Posted in IntrovertsTagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Are Introverts Less Confident Than Extroverts?  When does perception become reality and what has this got to do with introverts and extroverts? I believe that the general perception of introverts is that they aren’t as confident as extroverts and this unfortunately gets in the way of their success in life. Introverts are often slow to respond when asked a question. It takes them a while to speak up in classrooms or team meetings and they often seem uncomfortable at parties. Because of this perceived lack of confidence introverts may miss out on important job opportunities. And when compared to extroverts, introverts often appear less self-assured causing human resources leaders to ask themselves, “Why are they hesitating?” or “Do they really know what they are talking about?” Being confident can open doors and make life more interesting and fun. But what is confidence? Google defines it as “the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something” Or, “a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities”. We know it when we see it, or at least we think we do. Some quiet introverts may be very confident but are comfortable spending time thinking before they answer questions. And some extroverts may use their extroversion as a way of hiding the fact that they are less confident. Nothing is what it appears! And of course all personality types can lack confidence. It’s just sometimes I think that when it comes to introverts our behavior is seen in a negative light. Over the years I have also wondered whether or not my lack of confidence was due to the fact that I spent too much time thinking about things and not enough time taking action. Taking action leads to increased self-assurance. Too much time thinking (worrying?) has the opposite effect and doesn’t go unnoticed. “I’m an extrovert and those I live with are introverts. I’ve come to learn that they have a different sort of confidence to my own, one that comes from inner strength that can be developed no matter how difficult it may seem at first.” Rebecca Perkins How can we become more confident? There are no easy answers but the following suggestions from Rebecca Perkins and Brian Roet are a good place to start: Develop your self-awareness. This is perhaps the most important and the most challenging. But fulfilling our potential and being successful really does start with a solid foundation. Knowing who you are, your strengths and what you want to achieve in life are some of the areas to explore and develop. There are endless ways of doing this and a number are covered in my book The Dynamic Introvert: Leading quietly with passion and purpose. Quit judging yourself: This is a difficult one. Is there anyone out there who doesn’t judge themselves? On the positive side judging oneself can lead to self-awareness but not if we only see the things we don’t do well or compare ourselves with others and end up feeling inadequate. If we were lucky to grow up in a family that accepted us and encouraged us even when we made mistakes, we are more likely to feel good about ourselves and less likely to judge ourselves harshly. Use your strengths: We all have different strengths. The trick is discovering the ones that are uniquely yours and then building on them. This relates to the first item on this list, “Develop your self-awareness”. Some people are fortunate to know what their strengths are early on in life for others this knowledge comes later. Sometimes we are steered in the wrong direction by well-meaning parents or teachers and end up working in jobs that aren’t the right “fit”. I once met a woman whose husband kept pushing their introverted son to join team sports, against the son’s wishes. She was concerned about her son’s wellbeing and was looking for information to give to her husband to help him understand their son’s introverted nature. Challenge yourself: Our confidence increases the more positive experiences we experience. If you are quiet and don’t feel confident in groups you may need to learn how to speak up in order to be heard. But be gentle with yourself. Rome wasn’t built in a day. You are in this for the long term and your confidence will increase with each successful experience. I’ll leave you with this quote from Dr. Brian Roet, “Confidence helps you achieve your potential; achieving your potential helps your confidence.” – From The Confidence to Be Yourself.      

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